I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
