theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
