if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
