Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
