Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
