dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
