the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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