How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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