I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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