Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
