what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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