Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
