This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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