I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
