I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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