last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
