yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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