I wish my penis had an off switch
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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