He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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