I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
