We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
