piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
