she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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