Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
