I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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