I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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