Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Every concussion has its silver lining
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
