I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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