And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
