just tell him i said nine months
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
