alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
