Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
