worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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