it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
