Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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