Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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