drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
