Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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