I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
