Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
