If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
