We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
