We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
