Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
