ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
