he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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