1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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