She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
