haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
