I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
