I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
We are all done wearing pants today
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
