Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
