OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
